


5 times ezra gets a hug and 1 time he gives a hug

by justasuperfan



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ezra Bridger Gets a Hug, Ezra Bridger Needs a Hug, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Ezra Bridger, Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Episode: s01e15 Fire Across the Galaxy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, Space Family (Star Wars: Rebels), no beta we die like...i cant say it it hurts too much, self blame, they all have PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:21:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28515606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justasuperfan/pseuds/justasuperfan
Summary: ezra has a hard time dealing with the weight the galaxy’s placed on his shoulders
Relationships: Ezra Bridger & C1-10P | Chopper, Ezra Bridger & Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, Ezra Bridger & Hera Syndulla, Ezra Bridger & Kanan Jarrus, Ezra Bridger & Sabine Wren, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla, implied trizra
Comments: 57
Kudos: 93





	1. hera

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first rebels fic and i’m very excited about it! i love this show! i’m in love with the found family trope and i need the space family to give more hugs to each other
> 
> also my small blueberry boy needs some love
> 
> i’ve only read over this once so there might be some mistakes
> 
> TW: ptsd, injury mention

It’s dark, and cold, and Ezra can’t see anything except the twin red blades spinning towards him at top speed. Over and over again. He can’t move, can’t breathe, and suddenly the world is on fire and he’s burning and

he’s

he’s in the _Ghost_. He’s safe. The glowing blades didn’t kill him. They just left a horrible stinging pain on his face, one that flares up every few moments as if it’s a being remade again and again.

Ezra exhales slowly and shakily as he listens to Zeb snoring below him. _You’re okay. You’re okay._ He just can’t forget the pure terror that pierced through him when he fell, the knowledge that he’d never step foot into his home ship again. He’d never see his family again. 

He’s not okay.

It suddenly became harder and harder to breathe as the thoughts raced through his mind. _Glowing red, explosions, Fear. Burning. Screaming._

He sat up in bed and buried his face in his hands. Hera had bandaged his face long ago, after fussing over him for way too long, and sent him to bed. But itt had been hours. Everyone was asleep, and he was awake. Nobody else had memories that plagued them every minute of the day. That’s all Ezra had his whole life. And as much as he would never wish that on anyone else, it wasn’t fair that he was the only one with nightmares.

Or...was he?

Maybe he was just the only one who didn’t know how to forget.

Ezra stepped onto the floor quietly, careful not to wake his roommate. He tiptoed out of the room with vague memories of his earlier childhood, way too much of it spent sneaking around. He bet, with a slight sense of jealousy, that Kanan or Hera never had to sneak around. Never had to be on their own. As a kid, no less. Sabine and Zeb never had to do that. It wasn't fair.

He stumbled into the cockpit with less grace than before and slumped into the co-pilot seat. It wasn't much more comfortable than his bed, but it was better than staring at the ceiling and wishing for sleep.

Plus, they were attached to the Rebel command ship, which gave him a stunning view of the stars. 

It was hard to tell from a separate angle, but he almost recognized the Loth-wolf constellation that his parents used to tell him about. It took a little bit of the edge off the lingering pain in his cheek.

That’s when the cockpit doors whooshed open. Ezra jumped out of his seat, unconsciously reaching for the lightsaber that should have been on his belt. But of course, it was back in his room. He didn’t need it anyways. The figure in the doorway wasn’t set alight by the telltale glow of a lightsaber, or blaster fire. It was just Hera, standing before him in the darkness.

“Hera! I’m sorry, I—”

“Shh, it’s okay,” She looked at him with pity in her darkened eyes. He wasn’t sure whether to feel comforted or offended by that. “I come here when I can’t sleep, too.”

Something didn’t add up. She should’ve been shocked to see him there. And why was _Hera_ the one to find Ezra, instead of the man who had a Force connection with him? Unless…

“Kanan sent you. Didn’t he?” It was more of a statement than a question.

Hera hesitated before answering, which told him all he needed to know. “Listen, Ezra, you don’t have to be okay all the time. That battle took quite a toll on the both of you.”

The Twi’lek crossed the cockpit and settled into the pilot chair, gazing out at the stars. It was like the galaxy was reflected in her irises. Ezra took a breath and sat back in his own chair, admiring the twinkling lights. 

“I really am okay, Hera. You don’t have to check on me.”

She spared him a passing glance, one that Ezra didn’t meet. He kept staring straight forward, to forget that she was staring right at his freshly bandaged wound. “Maybe so, but _I’m_ not okay. You scared me, Ezra. You scared Kanan. We thought you were _dead_.”

His breath hitched. Kanan had said that, hadn’t he? Somehow, Ezra didn’t dwell on the sentence, didn’t take in its true meaning. _I thought I lost you._ Did everyone really think…?

_Red. Explosions. Fear. Burning. Screaming._

“I’m not dead, though. You don’t have to be worried.”

Hera made a noise halfway between a laugh and a sob. “That just gives me more reason to worry. Plus, this is the first time you’ve left your room in the night.”

Ezra didn’t respond. How could he? What could he say to this woman, the one who had taken him in without a second thought, became like a mother to him (not second mother—just mother) and taken him halfway across the galaxy? The woman who’d shown him more than he could’ve imagined, who gave him a new purpose in life? The woman kept asking if he was okay, when he barely even knew her?

“I have nightmares too, Ezra. All the time. None of us had a great childhood, really.”

Ezra looked over at her at that. She was still staring at him with a kind, careful expression. “I...I mean, I knew Zeb had his whole thing, and Kanan with the Jedi, but...everyone?”

Hera nodded grimly. “Sabine...well, I should let her tell you that story. But when I was younger, my father left me behind. He wanted what was best for his planet, I wanted what was best for the galaxy. We didn’t exactly agree. So I did all I could to prove him wrong. I wanted to prove that _I_ was right, and...well...that led to me finding all of you. So I guess, even if I’m wrong about how much I can fix, I know I wasn’t wrong about leaving.”

“That’s...I’m sorry, Mom.” 

Wait.

_Mom?_

It took Ezra a moment to fix his mistake, panic clawing at his lungs. When he’d been losing the memory of the pain and red glow a moment ago, it all came rushing back then.

Mom.

Was Hera really his mom? 

“I-I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean...it was a mistake…”

He was cut off by a warm hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. I think of you as my son, if that’s okay with you.”

He stared into the galaxy reflecting in her eyes. He nodded incredulously, a smile creeping onto his face.

“Alright.” She smiled. “It’s okay. We’re your family now, Ezra.”

She pulled him into a hug and he rested his chin against Hera’s shoulder, his hands numb as he wrapped them around her. He hadn’t been hugged since...since his parents went away. And it felt good. It felt so good.

They stayed there for a while, tears streaming down Ezra’s face as he melted into his mother-figure’s arms.

The stars smiled down at him.


	2. sabine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ezra blames himself for a lot of things...but one in particular

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is set after the season 2 finale, just to be clear
> 
> again, i only looked over this once, so it might not be the best. hope you enjoy anyways!
> 
> ahhh i love this relationship! i feel like it went from childhood crushes to best friends and it makes me very happy. ezra needs someone his age to relate to :)
> 
> TW: ptsd-ish, injuries

“My new apprentice…”

Kanan was Ezra’s master, not Maul. Maul would _never_ be Ezra’s master, and he hated that he had to remind himself of that.

Oh yeah, and Maul had blinded Kanan. _Blinded_ him. That was quite possibly the worst outcome of the whole journey, other than the fact that Ahsoka was _dead_. And all of it, _all of it_ was Ezra’s fault.

He trusted Maul. He betrayed Kanan, and blatantly disobeyed his own master for some stranger. Now, Kanan would never see again, and Ahsoka would never open her eyes again. It weighed down like a million pounds on the boy’s chest as he curled in on himself behind some cargo in their new base.

His wristcom beeped incessantly and he took a shuddering breath in a vain attempt to stop the tears before he answered. 

“Hey, Ezra, where are you? Hera’s getting worried.” Sabine’s voice crackled from the other side of the comlink.

“Sorry. Just thinking.”

“That’s new. Just get to the ship so Hera knows you’re alive. And hurry up before she gets Zeb to beat your ass.”

He stood from his spot, hidden in the assorted crates, and felt his legs nearly give out from beneath him. He felt weaker than ever, and he didn’t even know why. 

Some small corner of his mind whispered the answer back to him. 

_Because you hurt people. You killed people._

He ignored it.

Sabine stood in front of the _Ghost_ , wristcom ready, with Zeb impatiently tapping his foot behind her. When Ezra stumbled upon the ship, the Mandalorian immediately began talking into her comlink. Hera raced out of the ship a moment later and ran to him.

“Oh thank goodness. Are you okay, Ezra?” She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and the boy suddenly had the overwhelming urge to throw his arms around her.

“Why wouldn’t I be? It’s Kanan you should be worried about.”

Hera’s expression fell, but she schooled it into neutrality a moment later. “Just making sure. You had me worried.”

“Well, I’m okay.”

The woman turned with one last glance and ascended into the ship. Sabine was staring at Ezra from afar, an emotion he couldn’t name written across her face. It had always been hard to read the Mandalorian, but it was even worse when his vision was blurry from tears and his relatively weak Force connection felt dark. Severed. As if its ties to others had simply been cut off. 

Sabine crossed over to him while he stared her down, and grabbed him by the arm while she walked. “W-where are we going?” He asked, stumbling along.

“We’re going to talk, and I’m not taking no for an answer.”

He was almost afraid to ask why. This was the girl who yelled at him to leave her alone literally _any_ time she was even remotely upset. So why would she want to talk to _him_ even when he claimed he was okay?

Maybe that wasn’t the right thing to say though, when he actually did feel like shit, and Sabine had a death grip on his wrist that would break his arm if it tightened any more.

He just kept hearing Maul’s voice in the corner of his mind, and it wasn’t doing his mood any favors. _You failed your master, you failed me. You’re useless. Ahsoka is_ dead _because of you._

Finally, Sabine stopped dragging Ezra along when they stopped at the edge of the cliff. Was she planning to push him off the edge or something? He certainly deserved it. But the Mandalorian just stared out at the landscape and lowered herself to the ground, legs crossed. Ezra joined her after a moment of silent confusion, wrapping his arms around his legs as he looked out at the wide expanse of browns, oranges, and yellows.

“So,” She started, “What’s up with you? You’ve been different ever since you came back.”

The first thing that crossed the boy’s mind was an incredulous _she noticed me?_ But he quickly shooed the thought away as he thought of a reply. It was true. He felt different, emptier. As if he needed something else to make up for the absence of the things he’d lost.

Kanan would never forgive him, he knew it. How could you forgive someone for something like that? For killing Ahsoka? For siding with the enemy and forcing your own master to go blind? And there was no way Kanan would even let Ezra be trained if he found out about the Sith holocron.

But he couldn’t tell Sabine all of that. At least, not yet. It was a rare occurrence for her to even act concerned for him for more than a moment, and he wasn’t going to ruin it by sobbing about his whole life story. The thing was, he lost everyone. He found a new family, one who would hate and disown him once they put all the pieces together. And it hurt, a lot.

So Ezra just brushed his long hair out of his eyes and shrugged. 

“Come on. I’m not big on feelings and stuff, but I don’t want you to mope around all day. We have work to do.”

“I know.” He muttered, curling his legs in even more. 

The conversation felt different than any he’d ever had with Sabine. There was something soft and gentle about it. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want things to change from how they’d been. But as much as he wished for that, things would be immensely different from then on. As much as he didn’t want to be, he was a different person than he was before the Sith temple.

“Just...come to me if you need anything, alright?” Sabine added quietly.

“I will.”

Then, before Ezra could even blink, the girl pulled him up to his feet and threw her arms around him.

Well, that was new.

He smiled into the stiff hug. Sabine obviously didn’t do this often, but he was just glad she was willing to do it for him. It didn’t feel like she was going to pull away anytime soon, and that was fine with him.

“It’s not your fault, Ezra. I hope you know that.” She whispered.

Ezra’s spine went rigid. “I know.” He answered, with a hollow tone in his voice. She was lying. This time, it wasn’t the small voice that whispered that, but his whole mind. 

_My fault. My fault. My fault._

Sabine pulled away with a strange expression on her face, looking at the ground. As she began to step away, Ezra put a hand on her shoulder.

“Actually...could you do something for me?”

“Name it.”

He ran a hand through his long, navy hair, grimacing when it took a while to get all the way through it. “Could you cut my hair for me?”

Sabine smiled. “It would be my pleasure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter-missions don’t always go smoothly, and more than often end with someone getting hurt


	3. chopper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> missions don’t always go smoothly, and more than often end with someone getting hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so it was kinda hard to write about chopper hugging anyone, so half this chapter is just random stuff i threw in lol. hope you enjoy anyways!
> 
> as always, no beta and only looked over once after being written late at night. next chapter should be out within a few days, though i have school so it might be a while
> 
> this is set during early season 3
> 
> TW: injury, explosions

The worst part of—what was supposed to be—a simple supply run? It was a tie between Ezra getting shot in the shoulder, Zeb getting left behind, or the ship crashing on the other side of the planet after the engines were shot. 

And the rest of the crew only knew about two of those things. 

“We _have_ to go back for him! He might be dead by now! Remember what happened last time?”

“ _Last time_ , Ezra, we got Zeb back safe and sound. We’ll go back to get him the second I fix the engines. But right now, we’re vulnerable, and I need you to protect us from incoming enemies.” Hera responded with a sigh, examining the damage to the ship. 

Ezra wanted to argue back, but a sharp and sudden pain in his shoulder stopped his words. He couldn’t tell anyone he was hurt. At least, not yet. They were too busy with the ship and the supply-run-turned-rescue-mission. No one had the time to worry about him. And he didn’t have time to worry about himself. Hera had given him a task to do, and he would do it if it meant keeping the rest of the crew safe. 

So he grabbed the lightsaber off his belt with the arm that was working, and stood defensively in front of the ship. Fighting one-handed wasn’t ideal, but every time Ezra tried moving the other one, it sent a burst of fiery pain down his spine, and that wasn’t exactly ideal.

“Good, you’re here. I was beginning to think you’d let me defend this whole ship by myself.” Kanan remarked from somewhere off to the side. Ezra jumped. Since when had his master even gotten there?

“Please, like I’d let you have all the fun.” 

“Speaking of fun, we got TIEs at .2,” Kanan’s comlink beeped as he told Hera of the threat. 

Ezra grounded himself with a breath, then shakily jerked his bad arm to hold his lightsaber. They wouldn’t go back for Zeb if they knew Ezra was hurt, and they would know he was hurt if he didn’t use one of his arms. His vision dotted black and he gritted his teeth to keep from screaming as _fire_ raced through his bones. _Karabast_ , Zeb really owed him one after that. 

He managed to focus his eyes enough to bat away some fire from the first TIE fighter. The action sent a whole wave of nausea into his body and he fought back the blackness overtaking his vision. 

He just kept going. _For Zeb,_ the boy reminded himself every time his vision got a little darker. It was getting harder and harder to push through the fire boiling in his shoulder. 

_Really, how bad could it be if you just told them?_

“Very bad.” Ezra replied to his own words, words mumbled from behind gritted teeth. 

“Stay focused, Ezra!” Kanan shouted from where he was defending himself from his own TIE. 

Right. Focused. That was kind of hard to do when unconsciousness was preferable to that kriffing _injury._

He didn’t really see it coming. It was only when he heard Kanan’s shouts of terror and saw the flash of green that it registered in his brain.

One of the ships had shot right at him. And he jumped out of the way within a second, but the explosion still caught up with him.

And then the world faded away.

…

Chopper was beeping. For some reason.

Ezra blinked his eyes open slowly, examining his blurry surroundings. He was...on the ship? In his bunk? He sat up quickly and looked down the ladder to see Chopper on the ground. Why was he there, and where was the rest of the crew?

He slid down the ladder, but regretted it when his shoulder and head flared up in pain. “Chopper? Where is everyone?” He asked, suddenly swaying as the ship banked right. Wait, were they flying? 

Chopper beeped in response as Ezra collapsed onto Zeb’s bed. According to the droid, everyone was busy shooting down ships on their tail as they made their way back to the fleet. They’d left Lothal while Ezra was still passed out. 

Well, he did say being unconscious was preferable to the pain. And he was pretty much right.

Chopper beeped again and Ezra startled. “W-what? No, I’m not _hurt._ I just got knocked out from the explosion.” Then everything came rushing back to him. The mission gone awry. Zeb. “Chopper, did we get Zeb? Is that why we left?” 

He let out a sigh of relief after the droid confirmed that Zeb was safe. If Ezra lost any other members of his family...he didn’t know how well he would take that. Especially since it had been so long since he’d seen his parents. He reached up to run a hand through his hair. That’s when all hell broke loose.

Ezra grunted in pain as he accidentally moved his bad arm. Chopper immediately began beeping and ran into Ezra’s legs, chanting about how Ezra had lied to him about being hurt.

“Woah, woah, Chop, slow _down_! I just hurt my shoulder a little, that’s all.” That point was sorely disproven when Chopper reached out and poked said injured spot. Ezra flinched backwards, hissing through his teeth. “I _just_ told you I got hurt! Stop trying to prove it!” Chopper beeped again and began rolling in circles. Ezra sighed. “Okay, it hurts. Really bad. I might need to go to the medbay once we reunite with the fleet.”

Then the droid ran into his legs again, but this time it was...softer. Affectionate, almost. “Are you...trying to hug me?” Chopper confirmed that, and Ezra nearly gasped. The droid who had chased him down the halls more than once, who annoyed him more than helped him, felt _bad_ for him?

Well, once in a life opportunity. The boy decided to take it.

He reached over and pat Chopper on the head stiffly and hopefully gently. “Thanks, buddy. I needed that.”

The droid backed up suddenly and rammed into Ezra’s legs again.

“Hey!” He called, chasing after Chopper as he fled the room with laughter. “Get back here, you bucket of bolts!”

But he couldn’t be mad. Not after he’d just seen emotion from a member of the crew who’d never shown it before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter: ezra has a pretty bad relationship with his past


	4. zeb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ezra has a pretty bad relationship with his past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, i’m back!
> 
> i’ve also recently gotten back into the clone wars fandom, so you miiiight be seeing a few anakin and ahsoka fics soon :)
> 
> i was excited to write this chapter since zeb and ezra have a great brotherly relationship, much like obi-wan and anakin. they also went through some very similar things, even if the outcome was different. this is a heavier chapter because of all that, so make sure to read the trigger warnings
> 
> this is not proof-read since i barely finished it and i’ve had a lot of schoolwork lately, sorry about that!
> 
> TW: ptsd, implied/referenced suicide, mentions of death and capture (ezra’s parents), mention of a mass murder (zeb’s planet)

“ _We’re doing what’s best for our son!_ ”

Ezra shivered. It was way too late for this kind of thing. But it had been hours, he couldn’t sleep, and the voices of his parents kept echoing in his ears every time he laid down. So he opted for sitting up, elbows resting on top of his knees. He just really hoped Zeb didn’t wake up and see him like that.

It wasn’t the first time the memories had plagued the boys mind. When you live alone for seven years...things like that happen. Memories, voices, haunt you in a seemingly endless routine. Day by day. But ever since Ezra had joined the _Ghost_ crew, the nightmares weren’t so bad at least. Until they were. 

_“We will not surrender.”_

His breath hitched. The voice...it sounded like it was right there.

“Mom?” Ezra asked in a low voice before remembering it was the middle of the night. His eyes went wide as he prayed that everyone was still asleep.

The snoring continued. The boy slid down the ladder and tiptoed through the ship until the night’s cool air hit his face. When they were in abandoned areas like that, Hera liked to leave the door open to let in fresh air. Which was good for Ezra, who seriously needed something to keep him in the real world.

_“Tseebo—”_

_“Ezra—”_

_“Dad!”_

“Ezra?”

Ezra jumped up from where he’d been sitting on the ramp, heart racing. But it was just Zeb. So he hadn’t been as quiet as he’d thought, huh?

“You alright, kid?”

“Yeah! Yeah I’m just fine, why do you ask?” His attempt at being casual wasn't exactly convincing, according to the way Zeb’s eyes softened as he stepped closer.

“Well, okay. Just try not to wake me up next time, okay?” The Lasat joked. It was a joke. Ezra knew that. But it was hard to keep the tears at bay once they started forming in his eyes. He nodded jerkily.

Zeb must have noticed his watery eyes, because his voice suddenly took on a caring tone and he raced over. “Hey, I was only joking. You didn’t wake me up, I just wasn’t sleeping well. Are you…?”

The question hung in the air, unanswered. Zeb sighed and wrapped his arms around Ezra affectionately. Ezra found that it was a lot harder to keep from crying when he felt safer than he had in years. “That’s it. Just let it all out, kid. It’s okay.”

That just made him cry harder. When was the last time anyone had told him it was okay to cry? To let his guard down? He hadn’t done that in...well...since his parents had been taken. 

Maybe hours, maybe minutes past when the tears finally stopped pouring and Ezra pushed himself out of Zeb’s arms. “Thanks, buddy. I think...I needed that.” 

“Do you maybe want to talk about it?” The Lasat asked, sitting on the ramp next to where Ezra was standing.

“I...I’m not sure. There’s just a lot on my mind. Like, all the time.”

Zeb chuckled. “Yeah, I relate to you on that one. It’s like every night before I go to sleep, I bave to watch my people be destroyed again and again. It’s scary. But I’ve gotten used to it by now.”

Ezra sighed and sat, burying his head in his hands. “I wish I’d gotten used to it by now. But every night it just gets _worse_ , and that’s the opposite of what should be happening.”

“Hey,” The Lasat rested a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Everyone heals at their own pace. You’ve been through a lot, kid. I wouldn’t expect you to be used to it by now.”

Somehow, in some way, that was comforting. It was nice to have someone who knew what he had gone through. Ezra had lost everyone he’d ever loved, just the same as Zeb had. But they both had new people to love, and maybe that would be enough to carry them through the night. But he couldn’t help feeling like...maybe things would’ve been different, _better_ , had he gotten to see his parents again. Just one last time. What he would give to go back to that day, memorize their faces.

It was scary to try and remember your family and find that their faces were erased from your memory.

It was scary to try and remember your childhood and not be able to tell one lonely day apart from the next.

“Hey, Zeb?” 

“Yeah?”

“Do you…do you remember them? Your people? Like, what they looked like, their names?”

Zeb took a shuddering breath. That was a very new sound. The guy didn’t get scared by anything, never let his guard down for anyone. Or...maybe he just didn’t do that in front of Ezra. “Some of them. I remember my family, my parents. A few of my friends. I just don’t really remember who they are. I know their names, some of their faces, but nothing that makes them seem like actual Lasats. Just memories.”

Ezra nodded. “Yeah. I know how you feel. All I can remember about my parents is that they were selfless. They never turned down an opportunity to help someone, even if it meant they would die. Or worse.”

But what was worse than dying?

Being locked in a cell for eight years, not knowing where your son was or if he was okay.

Being alone without a home or money for eight years, a little kid wandering through the city as if he’d never lived in it a day in his life.

A lot of things were worse than dying. So then why had he tried to survive for so long?

“Well, I’m gonna get back to bed before Kanan wakes up. Always up bright and early, that guy.”

“Yeah.” Ezra muttered. “You go. I’m gonna stay here for a while.”

Zeb stayed still for a moment, studying the boy. “I don’t have to leave if you still want me here.”

“Nah. I’m okay.”

And with that, he was alone again.

Alone. For eight years.

And the reason he stayed alive was the hope that he’d see his parents again. That they’d come home and welcome him with open arms, hugging him for eternity. Instead, he’d found something better. 

A new family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter: there’s more than one reason that ezra used the sith holocron


	5. kanan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kanan finds out the real reason ezra used the sith holocron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’d like to apologize here bc this chapter took almost a week to finish, and it’s a lot shorter than the others. i tried my best. i adore this relationship as well and i would like to explore it more in the future, maybe edit this chapter, but i’m just not on my writing game.
> 
> anyways enjoy roughly 1000 words of self-projection. sorry its so messy
> 
> TW (its a heavy one folks): ptsd, implied anxiety/panic attacks, implied disassociation, self-hatred, self-blane

The first thing he noticed when the holocron was taken away was the warmth. 

Everything had seemed so cold, so clouded before. But with the only source of his newfound powers gone, it was like clouds of heat suddenly rolled in. And sometimes that was less than comfortable. 

He woke up and reached for the holocron, his fingers brushing the empty air. And tears sprang to his eyes. 

He longed for the affirmation that he was enough, that he would be okay. No one told him that except for the soothing voice of the holocron, and now that was gone. 

He walked around as if in a daze, wishing someone would just help him to be okay. 

No one ever did. 

Life continued as normal. They kept going on missions and supply runs, kept talking and laughing and spending nights gathered around Chopper and Zeb at the game table. But it was almost like there was a piece of Ezra that was missing. A black hole growing in his heart. And not even Kanan, a supposed Jedi Knight, noticed it.

Until he did.

"Look, Ezra, I know you're not doing well." Kanan approached him one day after game night. It was...strange, to say the least. Ezra didn’t expect his master to want to talk to him. Not the master who took everything from him and left him scrambling for someone, anyone, to tell him to focus on himself. The master who was so, so angry at him for not being able to be a good student. Ezra promised himself he wouldn't rely on that master anymore. But...Kanan was there. And he was asking if Ezra was okay. It was the only thing he'd wanted for months, and it made him feel almost alive again. Almost free. Like he had been before Malachor, before the holocron came along and made his life so much better but so much worse. 

“I just...I’m not good enough. For anyone, Kanan. You know that.”

“Ezra,” His master said, softer this time. “You’re good enough. You’ve always been good enough. You just can’t see it because that holocron messed with your head.”

“It helped me see clearer, is what it did!”

“No! It pushed you to the dark side, and it allowed you to use your anger to hurt people! I know you think it was helping you, but I need you to understand that you can’t rely on the dark side. It will only make you into a monster, like the Inquisitors. I had to keep you from a future like that.”

He knew that. He’d always known that. So why was it still so hard to let go? It was like, when he tapped into the dark side, he could do anything. He didn’t have to hide his feelings or who he was. But it wasn’t right. 

“I’m sorry, Master.” He whispered.

Kanan sighed. “You don’t need to apologize. It happens to the best of us.”

Ezra just smiled as his master opened his arms for a hug. “So I guess I’m the best then, huh?”

“Don’t get cocky on me, kid.” 

And something about that simple statement hit hard. Because it was like it used to be, before Malachor. Just easy banter. Ezra just broke out into tears and fell into his master's arms. "No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wasn't good enough, I failed you, I was just so worried because I wasn't a good student and you hated me and—”

“Woah, slow down, kid. I'm not mad. I was just worried about you is all.” 

Ezra sniffled. “You're not mad? But I thought, after everything I've done, you would hate me.”

“I could never hate you, Ezra. You’re like a son to me. A very good son, and an exceptional Padawan. Even when you think you’re not.”

Ezra leaned into Kanan’s warm hug and felt every attachment to the dark side fizzle away. 

Night fell, and the Padawan laid in his bed and stared at the ceiling. Sleeping didn’t get any easier, no matter what anyone said. But he heard Zeb beneath him, the telltale spray of Sabine’s paints in the other room, Chopper’s loud beeps as he ran through the halls. They were his _family._ Kanan was his master, and he cared about Ezra. Kanan was weak too, and gave in to temptation. Which just made it easier for Ezra to move on. Knowing that other people went through the same thing helped...a lot.

It would be hard to start over, sure. But he had people who loved him. Even when he didn’t know it.

In the morning, he didn’t reach for the holocron. He reached for his lightsaber to start training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter-ezra bridger is found


	6. ezra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ezra bridger is found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all! constant comments fueled me to write this now rather than later. i was super excited for this one! i didn’t do much in the way of plot or why people are where they are, mostly just thoughts and fluff. hope you all enjoy!
> 
> this has been a journey. im finally finished with this work.
> 
> now its time to write more swr and tcw angst ahahahaha
> 
> TW: grief/mourning

Sabine didn’t allow herself to hope.

She didn’t want to let herself down. To let life punch her in the gut and laugh as she staggered backwards. She never let herself hope that anything would go as she planned, because then it wouldn’t and she would let her guard down and she couldn’t _do_ that, not when there was no one left to hold her.

Except Ezra. And he was gone.

She supposed Ahsoka was good company. The former Jedi had wisdom beyond her years. She joked a lot, gave good advice when Sabine didn’t know she needed it. Ahsoka was smart, and capable, and feisty. It was a nice change of pace from being by herself all the time anyways. Ahsoka got Sabine like no one else did. No one else except Ezra. Which is why Sabine could never hang around the older woman for too long before the grief started setting in.

Ezra got her better than anyone. They bonded, and talked, and always came back to each other no matter what. He never broke a promise. And she wouldn’t either. Not when his life depended on it.

_I’m counting on you._

The memories popped up at all the wrong times. It’s like whenever she was doing something important, images of Kanan and Ezra training and laughing outside the ship popped into her head. Ezra smiling from across the room. Admiring her artwork. Yelling when she’d walked in on him and Tristan. She’d just...lost so much. 

Sabine didn’t allow herself to hope

except for this one time.

But sometimes, hope pays off.

It was coming up on two years of searching with Ahsoka when they approached a new, lonely planet far beyond the outer rim. Small, isolated, forgotten. Sabine felt something blossom in her chest, something like faith. She was no Jedi, she didn’t know the Force, but she had a good feeling about this planet.

“What do the scans say?” Ahsoka came up behind the pilot seat.

The Mandalorian looked down at the scanner and smiled as she read the results. “Thousands of life forms. Not enough to be very populated, but we at least know there’s something here. Where should we land?”

Ahsoka closed her eyes. It was helpful to have a Force-sensitive woman with her, because it made the searches a lot easier. Sabine couldn’t imagine how many planets she would’ve searched all the way through if Ahsoka hadn’t been there to say where she sensed some Jedi. 

“I’m not sure. I’m not picking up many…” She suddenly gasped and her eyes shot open. Sabine nearly jumped backwards in her chair as she frantically re-checked the scanners.

“What? What is it?”

A watery smile slowly crossed the woman’s face. “I...I only sense one. One Jedi. Their signature is so strong that I can even feel it from up here.”

The thing that had been blooming in Sabine’s chest grew wings and took flight. Could it really…?

It had been _years_ since she’d seen Ezra. She idly wondered if he kept cutting his hair or if he let it grow out. If Thrawn was still alive. Why Ezra hadn’t found his way to Lothal, and let them all worry and grieve instead.

A loud bellow rocked the ship and both women flinched. What in the galaxy…?

A huge shadow crossed over the ship and it bellowed again. A whale. A Purgill.

“He’s here.” Sabine whispered incredulously. Ahsoka’s eyes reflected the huge shadow of the very thing that had taken Ezra away. They shone with unshed tears as the two of them began approaching the planet.

…

The planet was pretty isolated, nothing but stray animals running around. No cities. They flew over it in their small ship, scanning the ground for any sort of intelligent life. Sabine spotted a few creatures that reminded her of Loth-wolves, which sparked an image of Ezra again. 

Kriff, if he wasn’t on the planet…

He was. She knew he was. 

But if he wasn’t…

This is why she didn’t allow herself to hope.

And then, Ahsoka yelled, “Stop! I feel something.”

Sabine jerked the ship to a stop and nearly slammed her head against the console. She frantically searched the ground, the little specks that were crumbling houses. An abandoned city. The perfect place for a Jedi to survive for years. Hope burned deep within her, searching for someplace to fly.

“Begin the landing cycle near the city.” Ahsoka whispered.

The ship touched the ground and Sabine nearly jumped off the ramp before it was all the way down. Before she could even get used to the solid ground, she was running. Feet pounding against the ground, heart racing, the cold wind stinging her face. She hadn’t even checked to see if the air was breathable, but thank the Force it was. It wouldn’t be much of a reunion if she choked to death two seconds in.

Sabine’s eye caught on something in the distance, what looked like a huge scrapyard. That could be… her heart raced faster and faster as she sprinted towards the city. Her chest felt so tight but so free at the same time. 

_He’s here. I know it._

_Ezra._

Tears began falling as she approached the city line. A numb feeling ran through her and she shivered, never breaking pace. Her breaths came quick as she sprinted through the destroyed buildings. He was here. He had to be.

“Sabine!”

Ezra.

No. It was Ahsoka, running in behind her with a huge smile on her face and tears pouring down her cheeks, nearly frozen from the cold of running. Sabine shook as the tears kept coming, nearly a waterfall. She sniffled in the sudden warmth and took in her surroundings. A barren village with broken down clay houses. But one of them, only one… it was fully intact. It looked as though it had been put together with spare parts, scrap parts. That of an Imperial ship.

Her heart leapt out of her throat. 

Ezra.

She ran into the house, through the empty hole where a door should’ve been.

She didn’t know what she expected.

It wasn’t empty, but Ezra wasn’t there in all his glory to welcome her into what looked to be his house. It was messy, but what else could she expect from him? There seemed to be paint strokes on the wall, firewood and food and spare parts packed into a corner. There was something that resembled a bed tucked under some makeshift blankets.

Ahsoka stepped in behind her and took it all in. 

It was all just happening so fast. He had to be alive, right? Ahsoka had sensed him.

Then footsteps came behind her and she stood, freezing in place as a rush of adrenaline washed over her. Something clattered to the ground as someone’s breath hitched. Ahsoka and Sabine whirled around at the same time.

Sabine’s heart picked up speed so quickly that she might’ve died of a heart attack right there. 

Because there he was.

Ezra.

Long hair, just like when she’d met him. The beginning of a beard, because she’d really been gone _that_ long. The same reckless eyes, the same small hands, the same trademark orange clothes. Her heart swelled and for once, she was glad she’d allowed herself to hope.

“Sabine… _Ahsoka_...”

“Ezra…” Sabine choked out.

And then he was racing towards the pair, and wrapped them both in a hug with his surprisingly long arms. Sabine froze for a moment and then hugged him back, as tight as she could. As if he might dissolve if she let go. 

It was what she’d dreamed about for years. Her best friend, her _brother._

“Ezra.” She said again as she rested a hand through his hair. She remembered cutting it for him all those years ago. When he was changing too fast. He was different again, but this time it felt fitting.

She felt him shaking with sobs as she whispered his name, over and over again. “Ezra. Ezra.”

It was the first time Sabine remembered getting a hug, and not giving one. 

She was glad she’d allowed herself to hope. Just this once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who read this, i’m eternally grateful🥺

**Author's Note:**

> next chapter-ezra blames himself...for a lot of things, but one in particular


End file.
